Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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