My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
