All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
