U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize