i love accidental penises.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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