Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
