guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize