For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
