I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
