i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
