i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's official drugs can't kill me
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
