Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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