sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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