I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
