i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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