I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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