he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
