are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize