My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
