you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
