Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
