This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
