I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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