Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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