i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
