filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
