Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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