ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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