Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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