I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
