I am puke
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
