You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize