you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
