this beer tastes like vomit already
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
