u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
