Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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