Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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