I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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