i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
