okay pat passed out under dana's car
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
