I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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