I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I am midnight drunk by noon
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
