Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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