i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
