Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
