: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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