jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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