My underwear smells like fireworks.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
