before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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