Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
