he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
