There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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