i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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