Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
