The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
