I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
