They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
