you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
