please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
