Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
