I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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