I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
