She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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