i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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