Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
