I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
