Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
