there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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