The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize