you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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